Are You Programmed For Success…Or Failure?

 

Have you ever wondered why some people just have it all? They’re well liked by everyone they meet, financially set and attractive…but what stands out most is their beaming sense of self-confidence when they enter a room.

It’s almost as if they have a certain “presence” that gives off positive vibes.

Not everyone is this fortunate, however. There are people who are faced with low self worth, they struggle to maintain positive relationships and often feel resentful towards people who are better off than they are.

So what’s the difference? How can one person be so incredibly successful while another person constantly struggles just to get by?

The answer lies in what I call your “Invisible Lifestyle.”  Your Invisible Lifestyle is what made you into the person you are today. You were literally “programmed” with the habits and beliefs that you follow today (or refuse to follow). 

So who were the programmers?

Look no further than your very own parents or guardians.

It’s true. Your parents unknowingly “programmed” you to become the person you are today. The reason I say ‘unknowingly’ is because your parents raised you the best they could based on how their parents raised THEM.
Because of the “brain wiring” of your original programmers (your parents), as an adult, you are duplicating the way they lived when you were young.
 
For example, let’s say you were raised in a household where both of your parents were always there for you. They took an interest and encouraged you in everything you pursued.

You grew up seeing your parents work hard every day, take interest in you and treat each other with respect. As a result, you grew up to have a successful career and a happy marriage because you worked hard and treated your spouse with respect…just like your parents.

Now let’s look at another scenario…

Imagine a life where you grew up in a neglectful household. Your parents never encouraged you or took an interest in anything you did…EVER.

Your father had a negative outlook on life because of HIS traumatic childhood so all he knew how to do was raise YOU the same way that his father raised HIM.

As a result, you grew up with a negative outlook on life (just like your dad), and you have low self esteem because nobody took the time to encourage you and take an interest in you as a child.

Is this YOUR fault? NO! Of course not!

You did not ask to be “dropped” into your parents’ household. That is the “hand” you were dealt in life and now, as an adult, you’re living out the consequences.

In these two scenarios, you’re living out what I call “Invisible Lifestyle A”.

A stands for “ALWAYS”

“What you didn’t notice your parents doing as a child, you are faithfully reproducing today, and you don’t have a clue you’re doing it.”

But there IS one exception to this phenomenon…

Let’s say you grew up in a bad neighborhood with an alcoholic father. Everywhere you looked, you saw poverty, crime and hopelessness. As a child, you couldn’t wait to move out of the house. You saw your parents’ lifestyle and were DETERMINED to not only be successful, but be NOTHING LIKE YOUR PARENTS.

While you were growing up, you took the necessary steps to put yourself through school and as an adult; you have a positive self image and do everything within your power to remain financially stable.

This is known as Invisible Lifestyle B. 
B stands for “BUCKING”

“What you couldn’t stand your parents doing when you grew up; you won’t stand for in your relationships today.”

Those who embrace the “B” Lifestyle, do so in defiance of their family’s values.  The B Lifestyle can create the “black sheep of the family” and that goes for highly troubled families or very successful ones.

Invisible Lifestyle B has taken place when an inner city boy or girl goes on to pursue a successful career as a lawyer while each of their siblings end up in jail. On the other hand, a child from a wealthy family could go against his parents’ values by recklessly spending and eventually filing for bankruptcy as an adult. 

Now I’m not telling you to place BLAME on your parents. Your parents raised you based on everything they knew at the time. It’s ALL they knew. It’s not their fault…it’s NOBODY’S “FAULT”.

The key is to understand and accept the fact that the negative values you absorbed from your parents (i.e., fear of failure, low self worth, jealousy) are programs literally “wired” into your brain.

And if you have enough discontent with these, it is very possible to change that programming in your adult life.

But simply knowing this is not enough.

You must find these programs and learn how to “decommission” them. In other words, you need to know what to do and how to do it, especially if these programs seem to dictate your behavior.

Do you do things over and over that other people might call “self sabotage”?

Are you attracted to a certain type of person you know you shouldn’t be around, yet you can’t help but feel attracted to?

The source of this behavior is one or two negative programs from your childhood.

These programs will prevent you (or your loved ones) from a better life.

If your parents’ programmed you with some negative values that are causing you problems in your life today…it’s NOT your fault…but it IS your responsibility to do something about it.

You can start by thinking about how each situation in your life today is directly affected by your Invisible Lifestyle. 

The more you discuss your childhood memories of the way things were, the more you become consciously aware of them and the easier they will be to “decommission”.

Over an entire lifetime, most people will not make the connection between their behavior as an adult and how their parents lived during their childhood. 

They will accept their parent’s values without questioning anything, never knowing the REAL reason they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.

But now YOU know better than that. Don’t live your life with a blindfold on. Create a better future by first identifying and then eliminating the values from your parents that are causing you trouble today.

 

 

 

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How to Motivate Yourself Forever

Just as willpower is an essential factor in achieving success, at some point in time, discouragement and lack of motivation may hinder you from reaching your objective. And it is up to you, and you alone to devise techniques that will help you keep that drive within afire.

It is helpful to have visual goals. whatsoever that is you are working towards, make it visual. It maybe something material like a car, or a vacation you have been looking forward to for the longest time.

Take or cut out a picture of it and post it at a conspicuous place at work or at home where you can see it often. So that when you feel discouraged, this will remind you of your goal and will help you keep your spotlight.

Make a contract with oneself. According to motivational researches, people who write down to-do-lists are far more triumphant in achieving their intended goals than those people who just keep mental lists instead.

Putting something in writing somehow makes it more powerful psychologically speaking. This may also be the basis why most cultures have such a high regard in honoring contracts. In the contract, you may also include a certain reward that you will give yourself once you have accomplished the task.

After all, everyone likes to be rewarded for completing a good job. Even a simple pat on the back, “good job”, or “thank you” may do the trick to give the person the additional push to carry on, but unfortunately, these may not always be readily available. Considering that these are also essential in keeping oneself motivated, you must learn to find a way to get that encouragement on your own through pleasing yourself.

Abusive people lower your self-esteem and bring you down. Get these negative people out of your life. Surround yourself with positive people. Imitate their example. Smile amply and think happy thoughts.

These will give you a brighter outlook and lets you see a clearer picture of what you really want and a fresh mind to know what steps to take to get there. Rather than wait for things to happen, try to be proactive and MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. Inactivity idles the brain and stagnates your potential to reach your goals.

Read inspirational books and literature. These will help you improve your attitude and heal your mind. A book of success stories also proves to be encouraging. You will not only learn from others’ experiences and derive confidence boosting insights from them but the story will be instrumental in motivating you to go for your goal and move ahead with your plans. If this still seems to falter, get training or education.

Oftentimes, not knowing how or where to start is frustrating. Knowledge is power. Having a clear understanding of how and where to start is empowering and it will provide the extra drive needed to hit the mark you are aiming at and follow it through.

Having enumerated all these tips and tricks to attain self-motivation, but still you seem to feel lacking that much needed drive, there is one last thing that you must try.

Whatever it is that you have been meaning to do, or wanting to achieve, JUST DO IT! Keep on aiming high and go for it! Actually getting your hands dirty best solves the problem of motivation. By “forcing” yourself to just do it, your momentum will pick up gradually as you go along and before you know it you have finished the task or have finally achieved your goal. Divide and conquer is the key.

Break down the apparently unattainable activity to small doable steps. Not only does it become less overwhelming, but seeing the “in the meantime” results will further your confidence that it can indeed be done.

Lack of motivation happens to us all, but if you do not encourage yourself to accept opportunities and be challenged, no one else will. It is most important to keep your eye on the goal, find ways to keep going, and in no time, you shall reap its benefits.

And if at the beginning you were just doing it for the material reward, you will also learn to realize that the fulfillment, satisfaction and self-achievement you derive from reaching your goal is a much enjoyable high that will keep the drive within constantly burning.

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Allow Time for Germination

 

 

There is a concept in coaching called seed planting. It means that it takes time for new ideas and suggestions to be embraced. There are clients that take hold of a new idea and run with it, some take a little more time to allow the idea to grow while others can take years before the idea sprouts. Still some clients will never grasp the idea. It will simply lay dormant. It doesn’t really matter what the client does with the idea. The purpose is to plant the seed and the client can do with it what they will. Sometimes the idea just needs time to germinate.

 

A colleague once told me that not to make a decision is a decision. She said not to choose was a choice. I thought she was nuts and went on with my life. It was five years later when I was in the middle of a situation where I was avoiding a decision that her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I literally said out loud, “I get it.” It took years for that seed to germinate in my brain until one day it sprouted and grew into a concept I understood. I was finally ready to get it. I wasn’t able to hear it before, but with time, I had evolved enough so the concept made sense. New ideas can take time to get used to. When we first hear the idea we may not be ready for it. That is fine. When you are ready the idea will sprout and grow and be there for you.

 

The other side of this is not to force your ideas and suggestions onto other people. By all means share them, but leave it at that. Seed planting isn’t an aggressive act; it is gentle and done with love and compassion. All you can do is plant the idea. What happens to it is up to the individual and what they are ready to hear at that very moment. The idea may sprout right away or it may take years. That isn’t your concern. Your job is to plant the seed and move on.

 

Everyone is at different places in their lives. Sometimes you will understand the new idea right away and perhaps even take action on it in the moment. At other times it will take a while. Don’t beat yourself up when you don’t get something right away. It just means the idea is in germination. When you are ready the idea will sprout and grow and be right there to support you. Until then don’t worry about it and go on with the ideas you are ready for. There will be plenty of idea seeds sprouting at any given time to keep you busy.

 

 

 

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Action Speaks Louder

 

 

We’ve all been in that place. You have a pretty good idea what must be done, but you can’t do it. You know it is the appropriate thing to do, but you just can’t act. You are stuck. You mull the circumstances over and over in your head, but still you don’t really do anything about it. You wait…wait for life to come along and work it out for you. Then you accept the outcome. There are times when this approach might be okay, perhaps even the best choice; but most of the time we just don’t have the courage to make a decision.

That’s what it boils down to, you know…courage. Well, I know that’s the case for me anyway. I have taken to examining myself at such times when I find it difficult to decide what best to do. My discovery is that, even when it is abundantly clear that one action is for the greater good, fear stops me from acting of my own will. I look at the “possible” consequences and I can’t bear to move forward. What about the other action? Well, the fallout of that might also be unbearable, so I don’t take that action either. I can’t stay where I am. I must do one of the other. Repeatedly I return back to the same fork in the road, and I don’t act on either one, hoping that the next time I return there would be more clarity. Sadly, clarity hardly comes. Eventually, when I do act, a lot more damage has been done than was necessary…damage that could have been avoided if I only had the courage to act sooner.

Well, more damage isn’t always done, one could argue. It’s true. Still, at the very least, you take away your control of the situation by becoming a victim. Surely that’s wrong, you say. What if you rush into a decision that you later come to regret? Wouldn’t it be better to consider things fully before you do something stupid? Once again, that’s correct. However, for most people, the consideration goes on for way longer than it should. If there is something else that should happen first, then that’s fine; but this is not the case either, for most people. It’s just that they don’t want to do what is necessary.

Making decisions is a key activity in taking control of your life. It’s a skill in itself. Some people seem to have the ability to do it better than others. For these people, it seems to be an innate ability. For others, well it requires development. You have to practice. You have to flex those “decision-making” muscles. You can’t afford to wait around for things to happen. You have to confront your fear…fear of failure and of missed opportunities.

In order to develop the ability to act when the situation demands it, it’s ironic that the best ally is a more “passive” resource. It’s acceptance. When you can learn to accept life, then you are able to do more without being paralyzed by fear. Think about it. You can’t control everything. This is a fact. You can’t see the future (unless you are psychic or something, in which case skip this); another fact. You will make mistakes in life; but you can recover and move on. Accept all of this and you’re well on your way to being able to make tough decisions.

Acceptance is not so difficult. You do it all the time. Do you drive? Well, if you do, you have to take it for granted that the driver coming from the opposite direction is not a lunatic who is going to run into you. If you’ve ever crossed the street at a Traffic Light, or gotten in a car with someone else driving, then you’re doing a lot of accepting. How do you do it? Well, you don’t have a choice. You have to get to where you’re going. You wouldn’t get there if you refuse to get in a car because you are afraid you might crash. It’s a risk you have to take because you are convinced that it there is almost no choice. Well, how about applying that acceptance to your decision? There are no guarantees in life (generally speaking). You might have made a mistake, but at least you had the courage to choose. And who’s to say you wouldn’t have gotten struck by lightning if you had taken the other path. You just can’t know that it would have been better if you hadn’t acted as you did. Accept this as well. It will give you confidence.  Trust me, with confidence; you are already half-way to your destination.
 
So step up to the plate. Choose. Don’t be a victim of circumstance. You can do so much more knowing that you are responsible for the choices that have delivered you to where you are in life.

 

 

 

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A Change will do you good

 

 

As the last rays of summer’s warmth ebb away and the gentle breezes of autumn waft themselves upon us, we recognize once again, that change is inevitable. Nature is constantly changing and yet, so many people have the notion that change is frightening.

 

People are creatures of habit and some find it difficult to adjust to changes that are certain to come our way.  Life is like an old, comfortable pair of shoes. We may realize that we need new ones and we may even find new ones we really like, but, we know that changing will cause us discomfort for a little while until we break them in.

 

Sometimes we need to realize that life isn’t always easy.  What may be better for us is not what we are used to, but it is certainly worth the trouble of breaking in new habits and lifestyle changes.

 

Change does not have to be painful. Just look to nature and it will give you clues to how change can be effortless.  The beautifully colored autumn leaves do not hang on to the old tree for dear life.  No, they yield to the changes with ease and float gently off the tree.

 

With the coming of autumn we have been busy in our gardens pulling up the old stuff and getting ready for a time of rest.  We know that the ground must rest and next year there will be more wonderful things in our garden to delight us. 

 

Are there things in your life that need to be gently eased out of your life? Maybe there are bad relationships or habits or thoughts that need to be weeded out of your life. Don’t be afraid to do a little gardening in your own life.

 

Every gardener knows that unless we get to the roots, we really are not getting rid of the problem.  It may go away for a while but unless we get to the root, it will sneak back into the garden very quickly.

 

Although the harvest time is here there is no time to stop weeding the garden of our minds.  This garden needs constant attention in order for us to flourish and be all that we can be.  The only way to keep this garden in top shape is to make sure that no weeds are there trying to strangle any good we are trying to do.  The weeds of our mind, of course are negative thoughts that like to creep in and keep us from achieving that which we are striving for.

 

William James said, “Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.

 

How do we change the inner attitudes of our minds?  By changing the way we think. We must put fear and negativity behind us. How, you ask?  Just as the leaves of autumn gently blow from the tree, don’t try and make a change in your thinking over night and expect to get instant results.  We cannot rip these thoughts out of our minds, as much as we would like to sometimes. No, we need to be gentle on ourselves and let positive thoughts replace the negative. 

 

Yes it will take some work on your part. You must constantly fill your mind with positive thoughts.  Proverbs 27: 3 says “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he”.  We are what we think.  When the negative thoughts come into your mind, you must be ready and willing to replace those thoughts with positive ones.  Just say to yourself, no, I won’t let that thought take over my mind, I will think positively.  Affirmations are good to have readily available so you can replace the negative thought with the positive one.  It won’t be easy, it won’t be hard either, it will just be different, like that new pair of shoes we were talking about earlier.

 

The autumn leaves fall to make way for new life.  We too must go through changes that will bring new growth to our bodies, souls and spirits.

 

Change is inevitable, so why fight it? Why be afraid of it? Yes, change will require us to do a bit of readjusting but it is always worth it.  Don’t be afraid of change, a change will do you good.

 

 

 

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